Project Hail Mary and Vodka

There’s a scene at the beginning of the new hit film Project Hail Mary. In it, failed microbiologist first name something last name Grace has awoken with amnesia on a scary space ship at god knows where. His first instincts are obviously, to find vodka, because vodka is awesome. Thinking about it now, if I was on a space ship I would also want vodka so bad. This movie is 2 and a half hours long and feels like a humiliation ritual. But it only takes about 10 minutes for Grace to find 2 IV bags of vodka. He pillages them off the corpse of the AT&T girl with a fat ass. You know who im talking about.

Getting into it. It’s the worst part of the movie. Why did the girl with the fat ass die off camera? Really I would have liked to have seen a fat ass during the movie. But at least she packed two whole IV bags of vodka for Ryan Reynolds’s to get fucked up on. It’s surreal to watch him eject her corpse into space. And because it’s a comedy movie I laughed as she floated into the sun of Tau Ceti because now her Vodka had become the property of Ryan. And in turn, my property

while we are on the subject. It’s insane that while I’m watching a movie about stealing vodka from dead astronauts. That my Alamo Drafthouse employee decided to cut me off. Was I laughing too loud? Everyone was laughing a lot and it felt normal. But upon writing on my special Alamo paper for my 6th vodka shot, my server pulled me out of the theater. as i stumbled down the stairs and made a ton of noise. We settle into the little server booth where he operated his booze scam. “Eat a bowl of popcorn and you can have another shot of vodka”. So Novel to make me spend 8 dollars to access the Fortnite battle pass of more booze. I had disappeared onto the Hail Mary and no one was making Ryan eat popcorn to have his next shot. Why was i cornered in the Alamo rape dungeon for paying for and enjoying a potato ferment?

I don’t remember what happens in the movie. I did eat the popcorn and had my 12th and 13th shot of vodka at approximately 2 pm. At around 140pm I diarrhead in the Alamo bathroom and needed a stranger to guide me back to my seat. I missed nothing in the movie. I was fucked up but honestly that’s kinda what it’s like to be in space. You get fucked up and then like a little spider rock talks to you in a Reddit chungus voice. I do know I spent the last 1 hour of the movie laughing so hard that I choked on my pretzel stick and had to throw up to unclog my throat. Very neat. People were mad but they could have just watched the movie? Why are you watching me vomit in the theater? I didn’t even drink that much?

Anyway this was a great movie. I cant remember it except for the vodka at the beginning. I hadn’t drank in 6 years but seeing Ryan get toasted on a spaceship just woke me up. If a microbiologist on a ship far far away can get fucked up, I can also get fucked up on my special Alamo spaceship. I give the movie a 4/10. It would probably be a 10/10 if the server would have stopped pulling me out of the theater when I was falling asleep and apparently “snoring so loud”. Imagine pushing a wheel chair user down the stairs. That’s how I felt as a sleep apnea victim falling asleep in a 200 million dollar movie. The ADA should be dismantled and my server needs to be abducted and sent to Iran.

Anyway. I hate this movie because the rock dude was sober for 40 years. That’s unbelievable. I know they have rock man crack on rock man planet. Fuck redditors and fuck you all for ruining my Saturday morning. My only consolidation is that I rear ended 4 people on the way home. They all felt so bad for me they let me off. They thought I had down syndrome but I was just powered up by 18 shots of vodka. I guess you could say I was on my own project Hail Mary. I’m sitting here now trying to create a computer program to make my cat talk to me. He keeps calling me a faggot.